Monday, February 07, 2005

Not Sure

Well, I made it through the calculus midterm mostly intact; even finished the computer science assignment (a record 1 hour and 24 minutes before the deadline). So just two more midterms, the easy ones, and I get to go home. It's interesting, though, that I am starting to realize that maybe "making it to the next time you get to go home" isn't really such a good goal. Perhaps there's something more important that I should be thinking about. The obvious answer is that I'm here to learn stuff so I can get a good job; and thus I should be placing more importance on my courses. But why? Really, why? What good is four (or five, or six) years of university going to do me in the long run? Am I really doing what I want? Where's the payoff here?

Truth is, I've wanted to have a career in the aerospace industry ever since I was four years old and my parents bought me a space picture book (which I still have). Sure, most kids go through phases. There's the "space" phase, there's the "dinosaur" phase, etc. But how many actually become astronauts or paleontologists? Are their dreams forgotten; are they content with mediocrity? Or is it I who is at fault, for not realizing that my dreams are impossible? Have I just never grown up from being the typical kid who wants to be an astronaut?

Am I even following the right path towards my goals? There's no list of "steps to follow if you want to go into space". The only real astronaut that I've talked to was a mechanical engineer, not an aerospace engineer, and he was in the military. Perhaps I should sign up for the army? Drop all my pretensions of being smart enough to do all this? Maybe instead, I should become an entrepreneur, eventually become the next Richard Branson or Paul Allen (hell, even Dennis Tito); fund my own ride into space?

But even as I write this, I am coming to grips with the fact that space in and of itself can no longer be considered a lifetime aspiration. Give it three years, and a couple hundred thousand dollars will get you on a sub-orbital sightseeing flight. Another three, and orbit will be a destination. There'll be a Starbucks on the Moon before NASA returns there, I'd put money on it. The future of space travel is something I've thought a lot about, but I hardly expected myself to be living it. Maybe I'll go into nanoengineering; focus on asteroid mining. Continue on my current path, pick up some classes on plasma dynamics; design fusion rockets? Become a civil engineer; build bases on Mars?

I don't know.

For now I'll keep my head down; keep working...

I wish people would stop pretending. They're your friend as long as it helps them, but then as soon as you need something... gone. Why are they so fickle? Why are females, in particular, so fickle? It's all illogical. But eventually, once you have your heart broken enough times, you give up. I've almost given up. But... that's what they do. They taunt me. Seemingly within my reach, but... they aren't. Taunting. Why why why why why. I don't understand any of it. Even my virus-infested computer is more logical. And it doesn't seem to have the desire to hurt me constantly. What are a computer's desires? Does it have any? What if we get to the point where they do? That would be bad... I can't even understand my own species, much less any other. Ah, fuck it.

When it becomes feasible, I'm going to build a spaceship, fly to the asteroid belt, and live out my days as a hermit on Ceres. And did I mention I'm up to 4,000 hits on this shitty blog too. If there are actually people reading this, do something. Post a comment. Click on an ad. E-mail me. I don't care. I don't care.

1 Comments:

Blogger Tom said...

Funny thing, I've never wanted to be an astronaut. I wanted to be an astronomer instead...

The calc midterm was brutal. As of 23:54:30 2-10-2005, they have posted two tutorials' worth of marks on CCNet, and so far the average is 10 points below failing. :/

It is interesting, though, that you want to go home. What I am fighting for is good enough marks so my parents would finally let me move out...

11:56 PM  

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